The real experience of the present God puts us in an open, bright and inhabited space where – moving – we fulfil ourselves, but we also create shadow areas or enter into more or less pronounced darkness. Live in God’s presence demands of you to take note this negativity, that colludes with our resistance to the logic of the diffusive good (we get tired soon to give and give ourselves), and to identify it with a specific name. Without trivializing it – is not just a matter of discontent or negative energy – and without exacerbating it – it does not get solved by itself, if we focus on the eco of the produced bother.
It is an act, but it comes from lack of consistency. We could not have sinked in the trap that has allured us. Because our desire and our actions have gone “crazy”, destroying everything around and inside us, rather than edifying? There was this specific situation, interwoven rivalries and power games have been created. My heart and my psyche have ridden what seemed the wholeness of enjoying life and I have ended up now where I do not want to be. The good face of God which I have recognized one day, maybe I had searched and looked for a long time – he was not dumb for me, he conveyed the sense of living my freedom -, will it continue to be there for me?
The Christian tradition has no doubts: God has manifested as the Lamb that leads/ takes away the sins of the world. The mosaic of the Lamb at the Basilica of Saints Cosmas and Damian looks at all those who look at it. A look full of tenderness and desire. The Gospel of the Risen disclaims that look, which awaits me. His gaze is focused on the negativity that now – after that concrete unlucky choice – is my failure, suffered and /or created and wanted.
Yeas, this is how things are, I am not wrong. I have to preserve as a precious insight that He knows me and wants to give the re-solution of what is cracked or collapsed inside me: that act – which I have wanted to take note of along my path – you see. I can rebuild myself from the “inside” if I stay with him – humble – to confess this to him, present and leaning over me.
The stories of those men and women who have met Him have to tell to my story. My Self is “inside” the feeling of that disciple, is close to the reaction of that ancient crowd, taking on, his own way, the whole motivation of those who – pagan or Jewish – stopped Him, addressed Him, welcomed Him or hit Him a day in Palestine.
I do not have to rush, deluding myself that a magical touch can heal injury or infection, which spreads instead. In those stories about meeting Him, He showed me a detail I am in need of. Have I been reduced to a nullity? But He is superabundant fullness. A brother or sister believer, the celebrating community shall “aid” the Holy Spirit to make me stay within reference to Him, which I feel under my rubble, and I move to listen to Him and to welcome him step by step, till resurrection.
Annamaria Valli OSBap – monastery St. Peter, Montefiascone (VT);
Theological Institute of Viterbo aggregated to Ateneo S. Anselmo